Last night I stayed up late reading and watching videos on healthy relationships. Here are my notes.

Skills for a Healthy Relationship

INSIGHT
awareness, understanding, learning

• understand myself
• understand you
• anticipate consequences of behavior

MUTUALITY
both of us have needs, all needs matter

• support you
• voice my needs

EMOTION REGULATION
keep things in perspective

• tolerate uncomfortable feelings
• self-soothe

4 Habits of Successful Relationships

1. Be curious, not critical
   invest time to understand our differences
2. Be careful, not crushing
   set boundaries for conflicts
   • no physicality
   • no threats
   • no walking out
   • the problem is the enemy
3. Ask, don’t assume
   be honest with myself about my feelings and their origin. don’t assume my fears are reality, just ask.
4. Connect before you correct
   • avoid constructive feedback
   • build warmth
   • value differences
   • find opportunities for intimacy

5 Stages of Surrender

Surrender to…

1. Seeing my changes
2. Emotional safety (default to sharing)
3. Psychological safety (default to listen)
4. Building mutual admiration
5. Aligning and working towards goals

8 Habits of Healthy Relationships

1. show affection
2. communicate openly, honestly, and without judgment
3. bond emotionally
4. make up after conflict
5. voice appreciation and gratitude
6. see a future together
7. balance the work
8. maintain self and personal space

Rupture and Repair

• Apologize
• Forgive
• Teach (voice my needs)
• Learn (listen to your needs)

10 Tips for Good Communication

1. set clear intentions
2. create safe atmosphere
3. speak slowly
4. be concise
5. use understandable language
6. watch your body language
7. avoid sarcasm
8. speak from the “I” position
9. stay on topic
10. avoid shifting blame

7 Defense Mechanisms that Ruin Relationships

• displacement – shifting target of emotions
• dissociation – day dreaming, meditation
• projection – accusing others of my feelings/actions
• splitting – black and white thinking
• repression – suppressing feelings/instincts/needs/truths
• denial – “everything is fine” attitude
• sublimation – channeling negative emotions into something productive

Attachment Styles

Our relationship with primary caregivers impact relationships later in life.

• Secure (+) trust caregiver to provide, meet needs
• Anxious (-) my needs are sometimes met
• Avoidant (-) after not to trust anyone, independent
• Disorganized (-) trauma impacts attachment, can’t trust self or others

Love Languages

Words of Affirmation

• write a love letter
• speak highly of them
• don’t criticize
• don’t insult

Quality Time

• segment a day to spend with them
• don’t flake, cancel plans

Receiving Gifts

• give them something unexpected
• don’t throw gifting in their face
• don’t take gifts back

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I also took the 16 Personalities quiz and found out my MB type changed. I’m not sure I should be surprised, considering all the change and growth I’ve experienced over the last three years. I sent the results to you because I want to keep learning and sharing who we are. When I woke up this morning, you sent me your results. I had such a big smile because I got to read the description of your personality type and made so many connections and discovery.

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Yesterday, I started looking for some kind of couple’s workbook for us to do together. I have a few ideas and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you tomorrow!

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• I’m proud of you because you’ve worked so hard to become the man you are today.
• I love you.
• Thank you.
• I believe in you.
• I love how the corners of your eyes crinkly when you smile big.
• A suit looks really nice on you.
• You mean so much to me.
• I am thankful for you.
• I understand how you feel
• You are a great support person.
• You are beautiful.
• You are special to me.
• You deserve some “me” time.
• I admire your confidence.
• I’m glad we met.
• I like spending time with you.
• I love being around you.
• I miss(ed) you.
• I value your opinion.
• Everything is better when you’re here.
• You are doing such a great job.
• You are one of my favorite people to be around.