I started reading Getting the Love you Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix. He touches on childhood trauma and this resonated with me:

“A child who has painful experiences early in life will either feel cut off from those around them or will attempt to fuse with them, not knowing where they leave off and others begin.”

When I was younger, I felt othered by my trauma and struggled to relate to my peers. As I grew into my teen years, I often referred to myself as a chameleon, blending in with whatever group I was a part of but completely lacking a sense of self.

I took a quiz to assess my attachment style. I’m not at all surprised it came back as DISORGANIZED. My fears of abandonment developed before I was 2 and being abandoned as an expectation became solidified with each new loss: mom, grandma Marge, moving to Florida, PopPop, Derek, Daniel, Leo, Daddy, Pam and Jim, losing my home and safety, cheating partners… I’m not sure how I’ll overcome this but I want to. Not just for myself but for the kids and for you.

You took the quiz as well and had the same attachment style as me. I was surprised but I also hadn’t made any guesses as to what you would score.

I spent most of the day sick in bed. When you got off work, we talked for a little over an hour on Messenger. I’m worried about your feet. I hope you don’t wind up septic… We talked about the popup camper. I could tell you were really excited about the project. I felt like I needed to shut down my brain because it kept going back to “what-ifs”. What if this is a waste of money? What if we get into an accident and the camper is destroyed? What if the kids aren’t comfortable?

I have such a hard time differentiating between what’s normal, healthy worry and what is an an anxiety-driven thought response.

Our workbook came today. I’m hopeful and also feeling anxious. When we spoke today, you gave me space to be vulnerable and it felt so much easier than last time, even though it was a challenge to even ask if you had space for my fears.

I’m so thankful for you. I know how badly we hurt each other in the past, hoe much what we said and did left deep wounds. And I know this road ahead of us won’t be easy…

I see your growth as a man. I see better communication, more consequential thinking, and I know we stand a chance. I really believe we will have a beautiful life together.

Mara asked what you were going to do about Luca. I didn’t know and I reminded her that neither of us were ready to even think about living together. For now, our focus should be on building trust, developing conflict resolution skills, and determining if we are still compatible. I’m thinking about you tonight. But my thoughts are on what it would feel like to fall asleep in your arms. To wake up next to you. To laugh together again. I’m looking forward to those days.♥