The kids and I just got back from the store where we got your Father’s Day gifts. C got you a fishing rod because he noticed all your other rods were old or rusty. M got you two new pairs of boots because you’ve been wearing on pair for work and have that issue with your toes. T and E are still trying to decide what to get you, but hopefully they figure it out soon.

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When we first moved to Florida, there was only a neighbor on one side of us. Miss Ella is the one who taught me how to play Scrabble. Somewhere along the way one of the two empty lots – the one closest to us – was developed. One of those typical 90s CBS builds with a pool and jacuzzi. I don’t remember if they were our first neighbors to live in that house, but at some point a girl my age move in next door. Her dad owned a car repair show in Lehigh off Sunshine Blvd. Maybe it was Lee Blvd? I’d go there sometimes to hang out. There was a couch and a makeshift hovel hidden among the palmettos and Australian pine.

Besides Kat, I think my first sleepover was with Melissa. I was about eight or nine… one night Melissa convinced me to put my mouth between her legs. When I asked why, she told me it would feel good. So I did, and her mom walked in. We were in so much trouble – my dad had to come get me in the middle of the night. I was never allowed to play with her again and they moved away maybe a year or two later.

The loss of my friend hurt. And reflecting on what happened I wonder where she’d seen or heard about oral sex – if she even knew what that meant. Maybe her older brother had left some porn out or maybe she had access to late night cable, or maybe someone had done that to her before. Whatever the reason, I had blocked out this memory. After what happened, I didn’t learn about sex until two years later. And somewhere around sixth or seventh grade I started masturbating using the noses of my teddy bears until a boyfriend bought me a vibrator when I was 14.

My next sexual experience was when Matt raped me. And the one after that was strip poker with my friend Brandi. She started dating Craig’s friend, Eric, and denied we had sex. I couldn’t understand why she wanted me to pretend it didn’t happen. I get it now. I understood better when I came out and my caregivers laughed at me and told me being bisexual isn’t a thing. It was probably the last time I let myself be vulnerable and open with them. It only took me a decade of hoping and which things would be different… before I gave up.