We both had a lot of fun on our axe throwing double date. I didn’t realize how much cardio went into the sport, but we were all sweating about 30 minutes in. When I see you glistening with sweat, it’s hard not to want a taste of you. It reminds me of when I’m in your lap in the throws of an orgasm and I nip at your salty neck. About an hour in we got to try throwing knives and stars. I really liked the stars and you were keen on the axes. I was able to get a fan brought over for you to help you cool off and you took my hand and kissed it.

We talked about sex and using condoms. I told you that unless you wanted another baby, condoms were a must. You said you wouldn’t be opposed to having another child and that you’d been contemplating getting a vasectomy. I told you I’d been wanting another baby since Eleanore was 6 months old. The only condition was that I wanted this one to be planned. I want to be healthy and active during my pregnancy. To start taking prenatal right away and know that I’ve done things right. I’m especially concerned about taking my meds while pregnant. It’s something I’ll need to talk to my prescriber about.

At the end of the night, you drove me home, picking up M along the way. She made a comment about it being a long time since both her parents had picked her up together. We stole a few innocent kisses before you loaded up the squad and took them to your house for the weekend. I stopped you before you left and let you know I love you and that I didn’t expect a response but I wanted to let you know. It just didn’t make sense to not tell you how I feel. If I’m being open, honest, and trusting, telling you how I feel should be a must.

Today has been a lazy Saturday. M and I slept in then had a big breakfast: eggs, bacon, pancakes, and strawberries (plus one of my protein milkshakes for me). We went to Michael’s and M got clay and tools to make vases but she needs more practice before she feels confident. I think she’ll do great if she sticks with it.

The last several trips to Michael’s I’ve been itching to pick up a charcoal set. I also got a large scale sketchbook to do some bigger portraits. I’ll need to find fixative somewhere (probably Amazon) but I’m glad I got the set. I tried doing a portrait of Eleanore but I’m not terribly happy with how it came out. I’m hoping to do a portrait of each of the kids… maybe as a painting or something.

We also went to Meijer – the rain put a damper on our EC plans. At the store, I grabbed some silicone to hopefully seal up the places the roaches are coming in to the kitchen and some hooks to hand a couple of things – a row of hooks for my keys and smaller purses and some artwork (functional artwork!) in my laundry nook. I also cleaned the living room.

I got Flakor a new tank yesterday and the setup looks so much nicer. Unfortunately, the filter suddenly stopped working so I’ll need to return it in the morning. I’ll also need to clean the living room up and get the dishes washed. Maybe tomorrow night will be better for the research project…

Next weekend you invited me to go see the new Deadpool/Wolverine movie with you. I’m excited to see what the movie’s about. But I’m even more giddy that you asked me out. Up until last night, I’ve instigated every date we’ve had. I had the thought that perhaps spending time with me was something you could leave or take indiscriminately – I felt like maybe the desire to see each other was one-sided. But instead of spiraling into a fear-induced panic I thought about the evidence: you do want to spend time with me or else you wouldn’t, you’ve said that you miss me when we’re apart, you’ve never turned me down for a date, and there was no actual evidence that you don’t want to spend time with me.

My mental clarity is improving, I’m able to see through the fog and realize the negative voice in my head isn’t my own. It belongs to someone who doesn’t love me and doesn’t have my best interests at heart. The self-doubt, the worthlessness I felt, the fear that she was right is all because I’ve let her voice live rent-free in my head for 30 years. It’s time to be rid of this pest once and for all.

To expel her toxicity and live rooted in reality. I want my life back.

When I told you I love you and you didn’t reciprocate, I heard her voice creep in and suggest “of course he wouldn’t say it back, you’re unlovable. That’s why you’ve been divorced so much – because you chose men that couldn’t bear the burden of you.” but those area ll lies. I’m not unlovable, I love myself enough to leave those marriages — those dead relationships with men who made decisions that hurt me – most of the time on purpose.

Her voice pops into my head again “You just make people crazy. Me, Craig, Justin, Mark – we could barely tolerate you and you deserved the name calling, the bruises, the pain, the judgement…” but no one deserves any of that. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in their relationships.