It was so nice to eat together as a family tonight. I made pork chops, corn bread, baked beans, and Mac and cheese. You said my pork chops were cooked perfect. It felt good to not just hear praise for my hard work but to know that you enjoyed it makes me feel like I’m floating. After dinner, you massaged my shoulders and we talked for a bit.

I had hoped I could ride with you back to Muncie (I wanted to go grocery shopping with you and spend the night). But you wanted a night alone after an energetic weekend with the kids. I felt the sting of rejection but non of the anxiety that I shouldn’t have asked or that you were sick of me or that you’d rather be alone than with me. I remember a time when my head would have been spinning with these thoughts but now I realize you just need some down time, you were asking for what you needed and giving me the opportunity to respect your need, listen, and love you by accepting that you just wanted to decompress. It feels strange not having the spiral… like a part of me is missing but I don’t fully miss it.

I understand that part that’s missing was necrotic, it would continue to spread and poison me. First my mind then my body. Anxiety is something I didn’t fully understand until it was gone. But like real necrosis, a part of me had to be cut away to stop it. And I can’t tell if sometimes I catch a glimpse of what’s missing – like a phantom limb.

My reserved and quiet personality has quieted more than ever before. Some of my passion has slipped away too. Things that I thought were important are taking a back burner to what I really want to do.

I wonder if I’m going to feel so subdued and numb for the rest of my life.

---

My day was busy. I didn’t get much sleep last night – and probably won’t for the rest of the week since Indianapolis is the kind of place where residents are permitted to buy low-grade explosives and set them off in neighborhoods.

I woke up around 10 (3 maybe 4 hours of sleep) and began cleaning. Well, I suppose “continued” would be more accurate. Anyway, I got the house clean. Watched a few minutes of Pride & Prejudice, started a few charcoal drawings, painted a zygote, and fixed the screen door. I also tossed those pink chairs and moved the birds to a more central location. My house is starting to have more personality .

Even though you wanted space tonight, you were willing to let me swing by tomorrow around noon. I’m looking forward to just existing near you for a little while. I’m going to bring ribs over for lunch tomorrow.

I do kind of hope we can do some work on our couple’s journal. We haven’t even started and we’ve had it for almost a month. I’m worried that if we don’t start soon that something… I’m worried that you won’t take our relationship seriously or that you’re on your way out.

Ugh. We are so not ready for sex. I can’t believe I gave you head without even asking if you were tested recently. I think we should both get STI/STD testing done and have one of those preconception appointments you’re supposed to get before trying to get pregnant.

Oh, and I may have bought the book What to Expect Before You’re Expecting. I’ve never actually planned any of my children so it would be great to have that experience – the trying, the excitement, the anticipation. And another sweet baby to love.

I started drawing a portrait of you and Eleanore – when she was brand new and we were in the hospital. I’ve always loved that photo. Hopefully, I can paint it or draw it on a larger scale one day.

I’m also going to learn how to do block printing. I wanted to make some bookmarks to send with my holiday cards this year. We’ll see if I can work up the courage to make the first cut!