I’m going to bed with a bottle of vodka tonight. I’ll be drinking as I write this, so don’t expect anything to make sense by the end of it all.
Monday July 9
It’s 2 in the morning. I woke up thirsty and had to hunt down my water bottle. Now I’m wide awake. Maybe that nap yesterday wasn’t such a good idea.
E wanted to say goodnight to you, which gave me a good excuse to talk to you on the phone. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at you. Next weekend is busy for you. It’s your weekend with the kids and on Monday, you’re driving M down to Kentucky. That means no sleepover, but I get to have lunch with you Sunday.
Last semester, I ran into a challenge when my meds were unavailable for over a month. I fell into a depressive episode and couldn’t bring myself to do schoolwork. I wound up taking an incomplete in two of my classes. Everything is due August 1… and I’ve only done some of the reading so far. I’m going to spend all weekend – except Sunday afternoon – working on my missing assignments. At least the rest of the summer semester won’t be a huge weight on my shoulders.
I told you last night I would be open to the idea of moving back to Florida. I have some reservations about it, thought. Primarily living in close proximity to the man who abused my children. I also remember how expensive it was to live there – to survive. It would be nice to feel a sense of security but I’m worried I won’t find that in Florida.
I know how badly you miss your brother and the culture. I’m scared you won’t appreciate how much of a sacrifice it will be for me. To leave the familiarity of my home, my support system, the security of my job… leave all of it behind and go back to the place where most of my trauma happened. I still have a lot of reservations.
But I want you to be happy. I want you to feel at home and supported, too. I want you to have access to your friends and the places you’re familiar with.
And I can’t help but wonder if our lifestyles are compatible. I know you prefer small, intimate groups – the people you know and trust. I wouldn’t call you socially adventurous. Where as I love community and meeting new people. You want to be isolated in the country, I’d be happy living close to a big city where there are better schools, more job opportunities, and things to do in the community. I don’t want to live someplace dead or dying or soulless. Where everyone keeps to themselves and no one cares about the community. I’d go stir crazy in the country.
I think another reservation I have is that I remember how bad things got when Craig isolated me from everyone and everything I knew. It wasn’t safe. It isn’t safe… I am terrified of starting over – again – while you find comfort in all the familiarity of a past that still exists for you.
Maybe this won’t work after all…
It was a long day today. Long and hot. It’s nearly 9 PM and I’ve been gone for 12 hours. Mostly for work.
I was catastrophizing last night. Maybe journaling on four hours of sleep wasn’t the best idea I’ve had this week. I haven’t really had time to think about Florida with how busy I’ve been today…
A few weeks ago, in therapy, I was having doubts. “Self sabotage” might be a better term for my thought process. Donna (my therapist) had me do this exercise to get a visualization of my hopes, fears, and thoughts on our relationship. It was a hard exercise. One that had results that surprised me. I really thought with all my pessimism, that I would have more things in the negative columns. It turns out I was minimizing the good things and hyper focusing on the no-so-good “predictions” and worried that I had.
It all comes back to trust. I have to keep constantly making the choice to trust you.
| Pros of being with you You listen You make me feel grounded You expand my support network it’s nice to be loved You’re someone I can be vulnerable with I want to grow old with you You make my children happy It puts our family back together I feel content I smile more You make my family bigger Spending with with you fills up my cup | Pros of being without you I won’t have to move out of state |
| Cons of being with you Risk having vulnerabilities used against me You might be moving out of state I have work to do emotionally for a healthy relationship Our relationship is long distance Risk of being hurt again Hard to trust people | Cons of being without you I would have to grieve you again I’m afraid of being replaced by your family I crave your touch I’ll hurt again and so will you |
It helped to talk some of these out with you. Especially the moving part. You were so reassuring, letting me know you’d only be moving out of state if we (me and the kids) came, too.
I don’t regret telling you I’m open to Florida. I think I’m just scared of what it might change. I told you last night that I didn’t want to live close enough to Justin that we might run into each other.
But living near the beach again? Seeing the old oak hammocks and the cypress swamps? Rediscovering the plants and wildlife? Maybe I’d even pick up photography again… smelling the heady orange blossoms. The afternoon showers. A real thunderstorm. Going out on a boat for the day and tasting the salty air… I miss it all.
It’s scary to move somewhere where I don’t know anyone. Not really. Of course there’s Topher and Casey, Tim and Robyn. But I’d have to rebuild my friend group, my professional network. And that scares me. And I wonder if that’s how you felt when we moved to Indiana. Alone. Alien. Like you’re living but you only process the surface.
I want to support you. I want to see your joy come back. I know neither of us will go backwards, but I hope you can find the piece of yourself that took away the glint in your eye when it was gone. IT was almost a constant presence of glee. And I think if you had your brother in your life more, that it might come back.
“being in a relationship requires compromise and sacrifice.”
Wednesday, July 10
I realized today I remember a place with no negative emotions. It’s the slough. The park where we got married. Where I took my kids for hikes. Where I sloshed through the much on a field trip. Leave it to Floridians to send their children to wade in a swamp full of gators and venomous snakes.
But the slough only had happy memories. Joy. Wonder. Excitement. Peace. Contentment.
It rained the day we got married. A warm afternoon sprinkle. The was was filled with cypress knees and duckweed. You wore your good shoes and a grin. A ripple of elation when you read your vows…
If we were able to create such a beautiful and happy memory during one of our darkest moments, surely we can make it through anything.
Monday, July 15
I spent the night at your place last night. It was the first time in 2 and a half years we shared a bed and had our little family under one roof. I was pretty tired so I went to bed early. I woke up when you came into the room. You made me come with your hand and I rode you until you came, too. As much as I love being physically intimate with you, I want to connect with you on a deeper level. I’m looking forward to doing more in our couple’s workbook. Hopefully next weekend when I come to see you.
I’ve been feeling off today. I’m not sure if it’s just because I skipped my meds or because I didn’t get enough sleep last night or if I just wasn’t active enough today. I have a headache and I haven’t been able to get comfortable.
I’m nervous about the upcoming semester. I’ll be taking on a lot more than I did over summer. Grad school is no joke. I’ll probably have to drop my research in the fall just to keep up. I know I won’t have time for the classroom portion… but maybe the paid part will still be on the table…
M is drifting away from me. The more I try to parent her the more I feel the rift widening. I know she’s mad that I didn’t okay her boyfriend joining her for her trip to her cousin’s. I had a lot of reason and I knew if I shared them she’d just try to argue the points. And I’m feeling too tired to argue with her – with anyone, really.
I Brough the kids home and the first thing they all did was jump on their electronics. I had to rally the boys and get them to clean up their room. E had clothes to put away. M left the dishes in the sink even though it was her turn and I reminded her twice. My punishment?
The past few days have been full of stress and procrastination. I’m struggling to write these papers for the classes I’m taking incompletes in. I was able to do some work on Saturday but totally failed to function on Sunday. Everything is due in August. Maybe I’ll get one of those hyper focus days soon and I can go to the library and get it all done. It’s just two papers, a presentation, and half a dozen discussion replies (internal sobbing.)
Thursday, July 18
I feel indifferent today. It’s getting easier to ignore or be apathetic about things that used to bother me. I suppose that’s a good thing. There’s always a fear that my meds will “take away my sparkle” but for now they seem to be balancing me out.
I get to see you tonight – if I can stay up late enough. You’re bringing M home from her trip to Kentucky. You probably won’t stay long… I’m sure you’ll be eager to get home. At least I got to spend the night this past Sunday.
I was supposed to go to a Golden Hour event tonight but E decided she didn’t want to go. The kids have been on their electronics all day. Well, not E. We had some outside time because it’s so beautiful today. It barely got above 80. Also, T had a doctor’s appointment and washed the dishes.
I got the results from my ultrasound – everything looks normal. So I’ve got gold stars to reproduce and have one more baby. We need to discuss if this will be the last one. If so, I can get a tubal while they’re doing surgery. I’m a little afraid of having an ectopic pregnancy, though.
I painted today. It’s been nice getting back into art – expressing myself, challenging my skills, and even just mindlessness slapping paint on a canvas. I think I enjoy working with charcoal the most. I hope I continue to improve and that my art inspired the kids to be more creative.
I’m almost hoping I won’t get it , because being approved means I have no excuses… but I applied for a $100,000 loan to open an art supply store here in Indy. I’m anxious but excited for the possibility of running a real business. I already have a business plan and an EIN. I still need to register the LLC with the state. If the loan is approved, my first move is to find a good retail space. I found some cheap fixtures online… I’ll probably need a checkout counter and some furniture for the classroom.
I’ve been afraid to tall you about it… partly because it’ll mean staying in Indy for all east 3 years (to earn enough to pay back the loan) and also because I’m afraid you won’t be supportive. I thought I was past this – and I feel like I’m being dishonest with you… I also feel like it doesn’t make sense to tell you unless my loan application is approved. Because if it isn’t, then I may upset you for nothing. But if it is, then I’ll definitely need to say something. I’ll know tomorrow if the store is just a pipe dream. I imagine that with my personal credit there’s no way I’ll be approved for that big of a loan, but we’ll see!
I hope you make it home safe tonight. I know you’re prone to those mile-long blinks when you’re tired.
Wednesday, July 24
I think I need to fix my sleep schedule. School starts for the kids over the next two weeks and I’ll ned to wake them up on time each morning.
I decided to go ahead and apply for the Executive Director position at KHTA but at the same time I feel like I haven’t stayed anywhere long enough to see the results of my efforts.
I mentioned to you last week that moving in together is an option but I think I’m started to get cold feet. It’s not even like I have a laundry list of concerns. I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.
It’s hard to tell what you like. Most of the time it doesn’t feel like you’re excited to be with me. Or like you’re hopeful for our future together. I’ve been suck for the last week, feeling like this isn’t going to work. I no longer think about messaging you every morning and night. Women give what they get – I think that’s how the saying goes.
Sometimes it feels like I’m still trying to win you back. Like you could take me or leave me and it’d all be the same to you. More than being stoic, if feels closer to apathy. You say you love me, that you never stopped loving me… but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt loved? Love enough?
Maybe it’s the codependence.
I’m home from the gym. Today was a longer workout that left me a little dizzy and a lot dehydrated. Thaddeus an you would probably get along. he’s encouraging me to try to get on less meds. Just the ones I need.
I told him how I’d been feeling apathetic to a lot these days, and that I wasn’t sure if it was from my medicine or not.
I wish confiding in you was easier. That I could tell you everything I’m thinking or feeling. But it often feels like I’m a bother to you.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just looking for something to complain about because I don’t know what to do with myself if things are just “fine”. I think I’m scared we aren’t compatible. That the visions we have for our lives are just different enough that one of use will always live with a dissatisfaction if the other’s dreams are fulfilled.
I know how much you dislike the city but I’m scared to live in the country, surrounded by people with very different values than me. I’m scared of you furthering your isolation and withdrawal.
Your dislike of institutions, the ways you pain the government as wholly evil, your willingness to accept conspiracy as an answer to tragedy. It’s scary. because if you hate society as a whole, you’ll drag me into isolation with you.
But I don’t want to be insulated. I have no interest in leaning red just because the left if corrupt. They all are on a federal level.
I want to keep having hope and looking at the good in the world. and I’m not sure you love the parts of me I love about myself.
That’s the real crux. I’m not sure you love all of me because I know I don’t love all of you. And it’s not my job to change or fix you. So if I can’t love this part of you – the part I can’t characterize without insult – should we keep this up? Is it a good idea to live together if I can’t even talk to you about how I feel?
When you talk about conspiracy theories or how you’d rather Trump be president again then another liar… it doesn’t sound like the version of you that lives in my head. IT’s like someone else’s words coming out of your mouth. Like you’re parroting other people’s opinions.
Being in your line of work had probably surrounded you with conservative people and I’m sure they talk to you about their beliefs. Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe you actually took the time to do your due diligence for all the claims you’ve made.
I think what gets me the most is that you know how much I get people the benefit of the doubt and second chances. But you also know how much that man repulses me. Morally spiritually, and politically bankrupt. Vitriol spews from his mouth.
And you sing his praises? It feels very “what about the good things H*tler did?” Will I concede that some of the things the man did in office were personally beneficial tome? Sure. But that doesn’t mean I want an openly fascist dictator as my next president. Wrong kind of chaos!
Do I want my family back together? of course. But does it make sense when I struggle to broach topics that I suspect will lead to conflict? I don’t ‘know. I don’t think it does. But I also don’t know how to tell you we should hold off on moving in together for now…
I should spend some time on my schoolwork tonight. I have to leave to pick up M from volleyball practice.
Thursday, July 25
Today was my research symposium. I got to present my poster to a lot of people. It feels good to know that people are interested in my research. I forget every time how emotionally difficult these events are. It wasn’t as hard this time – I think because of the issue with my meds (the one I told you about). But when I got home I realized I was down. Seeing young, bright, successful peers celebrating with their families – something I never have.
It’s hard to keep up a smile when you see what you wish you could have. And intact, supportive family that’s proud of you. It’s hard to feel like I belong in these spaces. I feel like an outsider, an invader. As if someone like me doesn’t have the right to be there. I’m sure it’s some for of internalized classism or imposter syndrome that I would only ever apply to myself. Go figure.
I don’t think I’ve been very productive this summer. I took two incompletes last spring. I’d hoped to have all the missing assignments done by August 1 but that feels like it’s not going to happen. It’s been difficult to find the motivation (or the space) I need to do the work.
It’s not that I’ve done nothing, I just expected to be done by now but I’ll probably wind up requesting an extension for at least one of the classes. Maybe an extra two weeks? I feel like I need to budget out my days better…
Maybe I should go back to doing my daily scheduled where I pre-planned the next day each night and set up daily and weekly goals for myself. It was more rewarding when I felt like I was challenging myself and I’d meet all my goals. it was also easier to know how much time I had and needed for all the tasks I had.
I think part of the reason I stopped was because I had to carry around a notebook with me everywhere and I would occasionally misplace it. But maybe things will be different this time since I’ve gotten good about taking my meds everyday and journaling here had been a pretty regular habit.
I’ve never completely filled out a journal before. I even have another journal from when M was a baby and that one is barely half full. I ‘ve only go 15 pages left in this journal before I have to start a new one.
It’s kind of exciting to know I can squeeze 3 months of thoughts and life into a little moleskin journal. Like it’s a season of my life. Each volume capturing a glimpse of who I am. Who I see you as.
We talked for a bit on the phone last night. As always, you displaced your unending patience and love. I talked to you about how much it stresses me out to hear about politics or conspiracy theories. You offered to avoid talking about those things, which while helpful, concerns me. I told you I didn’t want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. I hope you never feel that way.
We also talked about moving in together. It was validating to hear you weren’t sure if we were ready to live together yet. I still don’t know what ‘ready’ looks like. Maybe that’ll be the next relationship research I work on. You mentioned needing space when we move in together. I would also need some guaranteed alone time.
I think it’s healthy that we both recognize the needs we have especially boundaries. We have so much to discuss before we take that step. I don’t want to make a decision solely baed on how we would financially benefit and ignore our other needs. I hope we will get to the place where we both feel comfortable and confident with/about moving in together. Maybe that day will never come… and it’s not that I want to put a timeline on things, but I’ve not thought about how long I’m willing to wait for the things I want out of our relationship. Like… would I be willing to continue being with you if it meant we couldn’t live together? Or how long we should date before we think about getting remarried? Both of these things made our relationship stronger (before adversity struck). And I can’t see myself having a child with a man I’m not living with. And the baby making does have a time limit.
I think I would be devastated if we didn’t have another baby at this point. I’ve gotten so excited by the prospect of having another child, of growing our family. I would grieve the child that I hoped for but never was.
And I also want to be married to any man I have a child with. It’s important to me that we can be at a place of such deep trust and faith that we can see ourselves as matched for life. If I’m lucky, you’ll actually propose this time.
I sometimes daydream about us eloping. Flying to Scotland for two weeks and exploring the land of our ancestors, exchanging vows on cliffs that overlook stormy seas. Coming back to the states as husband and wife. Sometimes that kids are there, other times it’s just the two of us on honeymoon. Making love in a chilly room by the fire, exploring castles and forests, eating tasty food and basking in our bliss.
If we can get there. If you see yourself married to me. Living with and loving me everyday for the rest of our lives together. If I can get myself together and stop procrastinating therapy and putting my degree at risk.
I’ve decided after this year I’m going to stop trying to get my PhD in biology. I feel so out of place and overwhelmed by the amount of work I have left. It would be better to focus on my career for now. I feel like I’ll be a disappointment to my mentors – they’ve done so much to help me. But I’m wasting my time and money if I don’t have the energy or mental space to achieve at the level I expect of myself.
Friday, July 26
I forgot it was your weekend with the kids. When you got here I was an exhausted wreck and the house was a disaster. I started cleaning immediately because I was so embarrassed. It reminded me of a scene from my favorite movie, Pride & Prejudice.
The mom and her daughters are lounging around and they have visitors (suitors) that suddenly show up. Everyone’s rushing around the room cleaning up and looking for some way to appear usefully engaged – one grabs a book, another starts some needlework.
I used to thing the scene was funny but now I’ll forever empathize with the surprised women.
I had hope to talk to you today but I didn’t reach out soon enough. You were already on your way here.
Something you said to the on the phone had been eating at me. You said you didn’t want to get into the habit of doing activities together because you didn’t want me to be disappointed laster when things change.
But why would something like us making time for each other have to change? Shouldn’t we always want to find something fun or exciting or romantic to do together? You say you want to do those things now, though, and it’s hard because I have certain expectations about what a relationship should be or look like.
But doesn’t everyone have expectations? Don’t you? I’m sure you know I expect monogamy… I’ve said it more than once. So why would that change? Maybe that’s not a good analogy. It’s late and I never did get that nap in. Still, I don’t really feel all that tired.
Bean is curled up at my feet and the cat is loafing on E’s bed. I wish I spent more time with the kids this week. I had the opportunity but not the drive and now I’m regretting it.
I had my first meeting as part of my new TA job. Apparently, I’ll be teaching the lab portion of Ecology & Evolution! I’m nervous and excited. I really hope I don’t mess this up. I’ll have about 25 students, and I’ll be grading their work, too. Forrest, my boss, is redesigning the lab, so it’ll be different from when I took the lab. But I think it will be better. I liked Pat’s lab, I just wish my peers didn’t complain about how much work there was. (There was a lot, but it made it more miserable when I had to listen to all the whining.)
I stopped complaining about school because I kept telling myself I was paying to be there and learn something and my professors were just trying to make sure I learned something.
I wish I had more photos of you and of us. Is this as excited as you’ll ever be about me? I guess part of the reason we’re dating is to see if we’re even compatible. I just wish you felt as head over heels for me as I do for you.
I’ve been feeling lonely and unwanted. I just need to get out of my head. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything. Maybe I don’t know how to be happy and content. I want to feel desired and cherished. Are you a secret romantic and hiding your nature because you’re afraid to be vulnerable?
You’re so stoic most of the time, it’s hard to imagine you being afraid of anything. You seem so cool and easy, like nothing bothers you and you could just take or leave anything – including our relationship – and be content. and of course, that’s probably healthy. But at the same time it makes me feel… a lack of security. Like I don’t matter. I’m still not wording things the way I’m meaning to, which is pretty frustrating.
M is on a date with E and won’t be home for another half hour or so. I’m trying to stay awake until she is home safe. So I”ll just try to keep journaling until then.
I really need to get back into therapy. There are so many unresolved traumas in my past – some that I have purposefully buried and other that my mind was trying to protect itself from, were buried unintentionally.
I’ve had a pretty bad cough the past few days. I’m hoping it’s nothing serious but I will schedule an appointment if I’m not better by Monday.
Money is tight, it alway is. I was going to take the kids rollerskating on Saturday but I don’t have the $100 it costs to go. Everything is so expensive – the zoo, the movies, even putt putt golf.
Saturday, July 26
I did it. I finished one of the papers that was due for my incomplete. I’m about half way finished with the other one and I have two of the six discussions finished. I’ve got 5 days left to get it all done, so I’ll probably do 1 discussion and at least 1,000 words a day for the longer paper.
I woke up extra early this morning. I still had an hour and a half before my alarm would have gone off. I needed that extra sleep, too, since I waited up for M to come home from her date with E last night. They grabbed some sushi and he bought her some clothes.
I’m hoping to go see Mamaw again in August. Maybe for Eleanore’s birthday. It’s really not that far away. I wish I could go more often except I’m worried my car won’t make it and I’m also never able to heave extra money for the gas.
I have two new books I’m reading. One is similar to Beauty & the Beast except the Belle character in this book is the town weirdo because she’s a witch. Oh, and Beast is actually the King Forest Demon. And the flower is a magical, wish-granting flower. Enchanted castle, forced proximity… but I can’t figure out if it’s going to be a YA book or if I’ll be surprised with smut. The book is called ‘Where the Dark Stands Still’.
The other book is low-risk fantasy about a librarian and her sentient, talking, prehensile spider plant… well except her library was burned down by rebels. She uses some magic to start her new life selling – of all things – jump. The book is called ‘The Spellshop’.
I have a few more books I got recently that are all in the horror genre. I’m excited to read all of them. I haven’t spent a lot of my time reading for pleasure. Most of it had been spent doing art. I’ve been especially focused on charcoal. I want to get really good at it. I feel pretty mediocre right now. But like I told my sisters when they put down their creative works: art is art.
I heard back from that writer’s agent – it’s a no from him. He said I was a talented writer but that he didn’t fall in love with my story. but he also thinks it should be published – so at least I know my writing wasn’t complete garbage. Maybe Winter Break just wasn’t meant to see the light of day. Or maybe I should just self-publish?
I also thought about scouring through horror novels and look up every agent I could find in the acknowledgments. But I don’t really have the motivation. I should have kept better track of the agents I sent my pitch to so I could at least say how many rejections I’ve gotten so far. More than two? More than five for sure. Maybe a dozen…
It’s a lot of rejection but this latest one hurt the most because he took the time to read the whole thing but he didn’t love it.
I have this urge to delete the files. The manuscript, the planning docs… all of it. Two months of work and for what? At least my friends got to read it. I’m surprised I haven’t cried over this whole thing. Then again, I shouldn’t be, considering what’s going on with my meds. It’s… unsettling to feel so withdrawn all the time.
I hope you’re having a good time with the kids. I’m still a little jarred that they’re not here this weekend but at least it gives me two extra days to work on my incompletes. I actually went to school, to the library, and did my writing there. It’s suck a quiet space in the summer.
ugh. I was trying to borrow an audiobook from Indy Public Library and I found out my library card expired.
Sunday July 27
Today is a reading day. My professor gave me an extension on one of the papers I turned in yesterday. Hopefully, I can spend some of the time the kids are in school to work on it.
I just sat down to eat breakfast. I’m having a bowl of fruit (strawberries, blueberries, and grapes), a bagel with cream cheese, and some butternut toffee coffee. I didn’t take my meds before coming downstairs so I’m worried I’ll forget before I’m done eating. I should probably run up there now. I would give my coffee time to cool…
Okay, meds have been taken. It’s a little annoying that it doesn’t hurt to swallow pills but not matter how much I chew it hurts to swallow the bagel.
M just left for work. I can’t believe she’ll be an adult next year. Time really is a bitch. It’ll be a little more than 10 years before all my children are grown and (hopefully) out of the house, attending college or starting families of their own. It feels too early to be in that season of my life, but I guess it’s because I had kids so young.
I did it. I finished today’s work. I just have to keep it up for 10 more days. I maybe be sobbing internally. hopefully I can get at least an 80 on everything I turn in. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll get off academic probation. The school will kick you out if your GPA falls below a 3.5 – it’s really challenging.
M is home from work. She’s doing the dishes. I just got done cleaning up brown pee from under my furniture. It was discovered when I moved the yellow storage unity. It touches the floor, but the urine was probably traveling through the grout. Hopefully the house will smell better now.
I’ve been thinking about getting a new couch… something that will be comfortable enough for everyone to sit on. I need to update the dining room furniture. The chairs are threatening to fall apart. And. Was hoping to get the boys a dresser or a chest of drawers to keep their clothes in. I think T would appreciate being able to store his clothes separately from C.
The reading I was doing for class made me cry. First, because of the very sweet mother-daughter relationship the author has with her child, then because the book reminded me that M would be going away to college in less than a year. And then for reasons unknown. Probably something to do with my traum.e this week one of my priorities is getting back into therapy.
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