There are so many things wrong I barely know where to start. I suppose where I’ve already started – the secret keeping. You deliberately hid this from me. When you said you were quitting, you were so excited to tell me. I did my best to keep my reaction controlled because I didn’t want to be too happy. I guess I made the right call. But when you went out and bought the nicotine pouches, you didn’t tell me. You didn’t pull them out and show me. You didn’t even tell me you were having a rough time or a bad day. You kept so many things from me all at once. 

And then there’s the matter of the Zyns. Again, I have so many thoughts running through my head I barely know where to start. I don’t understand enough about these things to even know what I’m supposed to be worrying about. I had to go online because I thought they were just chew in pouches. Gross. Not that what they are is any less disgusting, though I suppose it’s nice that they won’t wear a hole through your lip and soft palate with cancers. Or will they? I didn’t actually look that part up. I did see that they increase your risk for heart disease. So I guess you don’t really give a shit about dying in your 50s since you’re not doing everything you can to protect your heart – or at least doing the bare minimum and not making things worse than they already are. Cool cool cool. At least I look good in black or whatever. Fucking hell.

And if that isn’t bad enough, I don’t know what kind of effect it will have on me. I quit smoking cigarettes years ago. Nicotine was one of the hardest things I ever had to quit. Will I be exposed to residual nicotine salts when we kiss? God, now every time we kiss, I’ll be wondering if you have one in your mouth. It’s so fucking gross. You’ve effectively killed our sex life, so good job there. *giant thumbs up* I’m sure that will be super healthy for our relationship going forward. And the wild thing is, I’m not even overreacting. YOU probably don’t even know all the dangers of the product you’re using. And we’re supposed to be trying for a baby later this year… so you’re out here doing god knows what to not just your body, but mine, the same year we’re going to try to create a healthy tiny human?

I made plans to have a baby with someone who hides things from me, doesn’t trust me as a partner, and puts my health and wellbeing at risk and will likely use ignorance as an excuse. Because there’s always an excuse. It’s never just “I’m sorry, I was wrong, I see how this hurt you, I won’t do it again.” You’re addicted to more than just nicotine – you’re addicted to avoiding accountability. There’s always an excuse. God I’m stupid

And I don’t even want to argue about this. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m annoyed you even brought it up because I didn’t want to give you the opportunity to make the excuse “it’s hard.” Yeah, it’s fucking hard, you’re an addict and you’re addicted to something. And I’m allowed to be angry, hurt, and whatever the fuck else I’m feeling without you trying to make what happened okay by trying to take advantage of my compassion and empathy. You can’t fix any of this with words. Being angry at me for my totally justified reaction and feelings isn’t going to fix this. I’m not even sure you can fix this. My trust in you was so fragile to begin with and now it’s fractured. Again. I don’t want to cry about this. Or YOU. I’m so done exhausting myself.

I just want you to grow the fuck up.